She just used a chaser for red wine.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
