dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
