broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
