Welp...herpes.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
