I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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