Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
