Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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