The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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