I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
