I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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