so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
