I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
