There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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