he thought i was a dude.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
