The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
We are all done wearing pants today
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
