I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
