nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
