watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
