There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
