I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
