i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
If I had your ass I would rule the world
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
