she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
