dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
