I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
