I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
