i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
