You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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