Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
