So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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