Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
