take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
When are your genitals available?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
