I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
