sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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