# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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