I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Randomize
