My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
