dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
