On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
