Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
