You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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