My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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