Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
