Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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