I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
