random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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