I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
