He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
3pm strippers are depressing
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
