two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
