never play flip cup with pint glasses
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I smell like Dick and happiness
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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