just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
